Economy devistates children all over the world: The Toothfairy files Chapter 13

The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000

Image via Wikipedia

Well, well, well….times sure are tough folks.  Here is a great example of just how tough they really are:

My son lost his first tooth this week and boy was he excited.  For once, we did not have to coerce him into going to bed.  We didn’t have to tuck him in or turn out his lights or read him a story.  Nope, not this time.  This time, he hit the sack like a champ.  Lights out, tooth under pillow, and a gapped grin spread across his sweet little face.  This was pay day-Tooth Fairy Day!

Our son is only six, but he knows quite a bit about life and it’s guarantees.  He knows that if he cusses, he gets a spanking.  He knows that if he is good, he gets to play Xbox.  He also knows that the Tooth Fairy pays top dollar for bottom teeth!  Unfortunately, our son woke up rather disappointed on Friday.

I heard him rummaging around in his room early Friday morning.  I could hear him talking to himself and I could also hear him tearing through his sheets looking for something.  Not one to miss out on his strange antics, I got up and made my way to his room.  He looked very disturbed; angry even.  I could tell that he had something on his mind, so I asked him, “Son, what’s the matter?”

“I got stiffed Dad,” he said.

“What do you mean, you got stiffed,” I asked.

“The Tooth Fairy…she didn’t leave me any money,” he shouted.  He lifted his pillow to lay proof to his claim and sure enough, there was no money to be found.  The only thing that lay under his spittle stained pillow were broken dreams.  The tooth was missing, and so was the money.

Shocked, I tried to muster up some encouraging words of wisdom to offer my sobbing child.  I had nothing.  Never in my 30 years on this earth had I heard of such an egregious circumstance.  The Tooth Fairy failed to make good on payment due!  There had to be a logical explanation.  So, like any good Father, I looked to Google for advice.

A quick search for instances of Tooth Fairy misconduct yielded astonishing results.  I clicked on the first link and found that a young couple in South America had suffered through a similar experience.  Dios Mio!  To add insult to injury, the tooth was not the only thing missing from their young Daughter’s room.  It seems that someone had also taken the poor child’s Ipod.  Despicable.

I checked another link…same story.  Tooth gone, no money, and items stolen.  Alarmed by the eerie coincidence, I rushed to my son’s room for a quick inventory of his belongings.  Sure enough, it seemed that he too was the victim of a looting.  His prized copy of Halo for the XBOX 360 was missing.  In it’s place, there was a note.  It read:

“Dear Young Man,

I regret to inform you that due to dismal returns on my investment portfolio and a string of poor choices of a personal nature, I am unable to reimburse you for your lost tooth.  I have, none-the-less, taken said tooth; as it is my inherant duty to ensure that it finds it’s way to it’s final resting place.  It saddens me even further to inform you that I have had to take the liberty of ascertaining one of your video games.  I do hope that I chose one that you don’t often play.  I pray that you hold no ill feelings towards myself or any other variety of fairy.  Our people are in dire financial straights, as we do not qualify for governmental assistance or any social recovery programs.  I did, however, petition President Obama to support a program entitled ‘Cash For Molars,’ but he laughingly declined.  Do not discount the resilient nature of fairy folk.  We will prevail through these difficult times.  My uncle, the Toenail Fairy, has already seemed to have  had some luck in emerging markets.  On a final note, I hope that you are not overly fond of the upcoming holiday, Halloween.  I hear that the Pumpkin King has been incarcerated for selling bootleg DVDs.  It seems that he is unable to make bail.  Best Wishes.  The Tooth Fairy.”

I hope that the economy bounces back soon.  I couldn’t live without Peeps!


The Twilight Phenomenon: A concerned Father fights back (via The Good Twin)

Hello Folks…I’m re-posting this to celebrate the news of Twilight’s final movie. Perhaps this ridiculous tween battle will soon draw to a close….

The Twilight Phenomenon:  A concerned Father fights back So, my daughter is enamored with the whole twilight thing.  She has watched all of the movies.  She has read all of the books.  I must admit that initially I was excited that she was so engrossed in a book.  I am an avid reader and find few things more relaxing and enjoyable than a good book.  So you can imagine that I was happy when my little girl was showing interest in something that I love to do.  Little did I know the consequences of her cho … Read More

via The Good Twin

Friday the 13th meets Cupcake Wars

You know folks, I didn’t even realize that today was Friday the 13th until I read through a few blog posts on the WordPress dashboard. Thank goodness that I have managed to survive. I consider this an amazing feat since I had no forewarning. Thanks FOX News. Thanks CNN. Thanks for nothing! Luckily I have escaped certain death and, being in Japan, I have already weathered most of the evil storm that you all in the states are going to go through over the next 15 hours. As long as I am able to hold it down for the next two hours over here, I should be good to go.

It would have been nice to have known a lot earlier today that somewhere out there lurks a masked killer poised to lob off my head at the drop of a fedora. That is the kind of information that I am looking for when I watch television, but there was absolutely no mention of this ominous date in the media today. Again, this could well be the fact that I am 13 hours ahead of EST, but that doesn’t excuse the media’s lackadaisical attitude towards the most notorious day of the year; not to mention their total disregard for my safety. Perhaps they should issue some sort of “Crimson Alert” type of thing when crazed psychopath killers are out on the loose, but instead of a cutting edge early warning system for serial murderer celebratory days, when I turn on the television, I see Cupcake Wars. Yep, you heard me folks; Cupcake Wars! I flipped on the tv and that is all I got. No warnings, no news, no political banter. Just Cupcake Wars.

For those of you who have never seen this ‘amazing’ television show, it goes a little something like this:
The audience is introduced to four sets of pastry chefs from all over the United States. Occasionally, the viewing public is surprised by an interesting import such as a French pastry chef or a Cambodian cupcake cook. Almost always, there is a contestant who is all tattooed up and is running an edgy bakery somewhere in Southern California. Probably pot cupcakes, but I digress.

These blowhards get all worked up competing against each other to create unique cupcake recipes that revolve around various themes, depending on the week. Unfortunately, there is only so much that one can do with a flipping cupcake. These “chefs” usually come off to me as self-indulgent windbags, especially the moron covered with tattoos that thinks that he is bringing something raw to the world of cupcakes. Newsflash dipstick. There is already something raw about cup-caking. It’s called eggs! Give me a break. You are an overrated caterer for children birthday parties and company potlucks. You make miniature cakes for crying out loud. You don’t even make big boy pastries!

The big shots that run network programming need to get a grip. How the hell is a cinnamon ginger jalapeno cupcake going to stop Jason Voorhees? Perhaps he is a sucker for red velvet, but I highly doubt it. The only red that he wants to see is the blood that he squeezes out of your jugular!

Today I learned that I am a Hobbit

I have always felt that there is something about me that is special, something sensational.  Today, I have found that something.  Allow me, if you will, to explain.

For years I have attributed my short stature and hairy extremities to genetics.  After all, both of my parents are of average height and my father can sprout a goatee at quite an alarming pace.  For those reasons, and a few more that I will not delve into, I have always considered ‘who I am’ to be a sort of hand-me-down from my folks; a gift of genes from two loving parents.  Boy was I wrong….

While cruising the internet today, I stumbled upon a truth that has shaken me to the core.  According to this website, I am Saradoc Brown, a working class Shire hobbit!

The site also provided some additional information:
“You share your Christian name “Saradoc”, with a Saradoc “Scattergold” Brandybuck: The father of Merry Brandybuck, Saradoc was Master of Buckland during the time of the War of the Ring. He is a first cousin to Frodo Baggins, and his wife Esmeralda Brandybuck (née Took) is the sister of Paladin Took, Thain of the Shire. His nickname, ‘Scattergold’, implies that he was very generous with his wealth.”

Wow!!!  I did some further research into my lurid past and also found out that I attended Bilbo Baggins’ birthday party in 1401; Hobbit time, of course.  For those of you who aren’t in the ‘know’, that is the party at which Bilbo up and disappeared, leaving his precious ring behind.  I’m sure that it was quite a shindig.

I also learned that Hobbits are Christians!  Thank God for that.  I can’t imagine trying to grasp the concepts of another religion…not at my age, anyway.

I had to take a moment to let all of this information wash over me.  For years, I believed that I was a normal person living a regular life.  Now, I find out that I am a Hobbit.  I can only assume that an evil enchantment of sorts was placed upon me by a bothersome wizard or something to that effect.  Otherwise, I cannot explain how I never knew the truth of my past.  Whatever the reason, I find myself at the proverbial fork in the road.  On one hand, I can forsake my known family and search for answers to the questions of my past, or I could just keep on truckin’.  Whichever path I choose, at least I know where I got these hairy feet.  Now if I could just find a magic ring, I would be in business.

Have you ever googled the word google???

Beware the Google monster!

Being a card-carrying, publicly professed Google addict; I use Google for almost everything.  To my wife’s growing dismay, the words “google me” fly from my mouth with little disregard of consequences, especially during Jeopardy.  I find myself arguing with that urbane Alex Trabek on a fairly regular basis.  Who does his fact checking anyway?  We always take his answers for gospel, but I’m getting off track here.

Lately, “google me” has become a personal mantra of sorts when I believe myself to be correct.  On the other side of the shiny penny, I even use this as my battle cry when sure that I’m full of malarkey.  Nothing says ‘he’s mighty certain of himself’ more than throwing down the Google gauntlet.  Alas, my wife, all-knowing and not-to-be-trifled-with, normally accepts the challenge….she googles me.  She calls to carpet any unusual claim that I make or any downright lie that I tell; whether it be for a laugh or simply to prove a point, she always calls me on it.  Sometimes, I am right.  Other times, I am completely wrong.

Today, I made a laughable claim to some co-workers (mind you this was in jest).  I proclaimed that if you googled the word Google, it would cause a catastrophic world-wide web disaster.  The internet would suck itself into a digital black hole.  It would be the equivalent of traveling backwards through time to your childhood and smothering yourself with a pillow as you slept (kind of a crude analogy, but you get where I’m goin’).  Of course, no one believed me.  Why would they?  I was simply making a joke.  But…my addition is strong and my willpower weak.  As soon as I clocked out, I ousted my laptop from its fancy Swiss army bag, called up my beloved google, and pressed the following keys: g..o..o..g..l..e.  I then pressed enter.

A low hum began to emanate from my HP.  Shaken, I tried to exit my web browser.  It froze.  The familiar google webpage remained locked on my desktop, menacing in its omnipotence.   From the top of my display, I noticed a bright blue light.  My web-cam had sprung to life, seemingly by itself.  I tried to free myself from the relentless pull of the vast white background surrounding that familiar empty rectangle of power.  My eyes remained transfixed on the screen.  My grip tightened upon the sleek body of my laptop.  I watched, frozen, as the screen filled with dizzying blurs of codex, digital daggers ripping at the fabric of the internet.  Before my watery eyes, Google died a Cesarian death, impaled on the floor of the twenty first century Senate.  As I watched the glorious web fold into itself; I wondered what had I done.  Then, my webcam shot a laser beam into my left eye and I passed out.

Seriously, true story.

Google me.

WoW Fans unite….check out this site

I was using stumble and fell upon one of the funniest posts that I have read in quite a while.  I wanted to share it you folks.  If you have friends that play D&D or WoW, this is great.  A lot of my buddies play WoW and I know that they catch and endless line of grief about it.  So, check it out here.  The site/blog is called The Sneeze.  Enjoy!

Guilty Pleasures

I am currently reading “The Highwayman” by R.A. Salvatore.  I must admit that I am a closet fantasy fan.  I don’t really have a particular genre of book that I like to read more than others, but I seem to blaze through fantasy novels, like a cheetah in a flaming tank-top (odd similes are great…or just odd).  I purchased the aforementioned book on Saturday and I finished it up last night.  For me, that is quick.  Lightning quick.  I normally slog through books at a fairly slow pace, taking about three weeks to read an average length novel.  I’m not a slow reader; I simply enjoy digesting books little by little, a guilty pleasure.  The main reason behind my frenzied pace on this particular book was the attachment that I had for the unfortunate protagonist.  I like fantasy because anything is possible.  Quick thinking and “magic gemstones” can get you through some tough situations….I grabbed book two this afternoon on my walk back from an appointment.  Let’s see what the old magic gemstones have in store for us now…