Have a Merry Winter Holiday!

Christmas postcard, 1911

Goodbye Santa

Well Folks…it’s that time of year again.  Families are decorating holiday trees, lovely artificial Georgia Pines festooned with low watt energy saving winter lights and orbs of colors that span the rainbow.  Mothers everywhere are baking Gingerbread Person cookies outfitted in smart pants suits smudged with blue and pink icing.  Dad is gearing up in the gym, going to cross fit classes so that he can fit into his new chinos from Banana Republic.  With all of these things going on, I think that it is high time to share the history of how Christmas became Winter Holiday…

A very long time ago there was a man named Santa Claus.  He lived in a wondrous place called the North Pole.  Each year, with the assistance of a highly trained cadre of elves (a tiny breed of human who in the Eighties we referred to as midgets), Santa made and delivered toys to all of the world’s children on Christmas Eve.  He asked for nothing in return.  He simply loved to put smiles on children’s faces; much like Michael Jackson (too soon?).  Santa had a team of reindeer that could fly.  They pulled him in a huge sleigh through the chilly winter skies, landing on rooftops all over the world to deposit Santa down chimneys so that he could deliver toys to the little boys and girls.  This happened every year for many, many years.

Today we have no Santa.  We have replaced him with nervous parents who scour the internet searching for age appropriate toys (usually geared towards learning tolerance and/or foreign language skills) for their children.  Our children no longer feign sleep just to wake up to GI Joes and Barbie dolls.  Nope, those days are long gone.  The kiddos are now nestled snugly in bed with their laptops and iPads cruising Facebook and being internet bullies, waiting for the morning to come so that they can open the presents that they helped their parents pick out.  How did this happen?  Let me explain:

I’ve told you about the glorious days of Santa Claus, but I did not share the story of his terrible fate.  You see, Santa caused a lot of discontent to a lot of people (mostly residents of California, but I digress).  The first problem that Santa ran into was global warming.  His snowy homeland, a place held together by the imagination of millions of children around the world, began to melt away.  Children everywhere were being indoctrinated into the myth that is global warming and with each tear shed for a sweaty penguin, Santa’s home began to melt.  The next problem that Santa faced was a heavy accusation of running a sweatshop full of undersized adults, or little people.  This ridiculous subterfuge caused discontented mutiny in Santa’s workshop once word spread to the elves that they were being kept down by “the man”.  Soon, Santa had no one to help him make toys.  To add insult to injury, Santa’s jolly wife, Mrs. Claus, left him for a woman named Marge after attending Lilith Fair.

Today you can still see Santa, smelling slightly of liquor, panhandling for change in front of outlet malls all over the country.  Do yourself a favor and give the guy some change.  Maybe some hope and change.  It seemed to have worked for America.


One thought on “Have a Merry Winter Holiday!

  1. People don´t like Santa nowadays because he is a thinnes-challenged person ( fat is not politically correct anymore), and if he was to receive an Oscar, the tuxedo would not fit,therefore not aproppiate for the likes of Hollywood/Lalalaland,and furthermore, he had not had an affair with Kim Kardashian so he is definitely ancient news.

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