Friday the 13th meets Cupcake Wars


You know folks, I didn’t even realize that today was Friday the 13th until I read through a few blog posts on the WordPress dashboard. Thank goodness that I have managed to survive. I consider this an amazing feat since I had no forewarning. Thanks FOX News. Thanks CNN. Thanks for nothing! Luckily I have escaped certain death and, being in Japan, I have already weathered most of the evil storm that you all in the states are going to go through over the next 15 hours. As long as I am able to hold it down for the next two hours over here, I should be good to go.

It would have been nice to have known a lot earlier today that somewhere out there lurks a masked killer poised to lob off my head at the drop of a fedora. That is the kind of information that I am looking for when I watch television, but there was absolutely no mention of this ominous date in the media today. Again, this could well be the fact that I am 13 hours ahead of EST, but that doesn’t excuse the media’s lackadaisical attitude towards the most notorious day of the year; not to mention their total disregard for my safety. Perhaps they should issue some sort of “Crimson Alert” type of thing when crazed psychopath killers are out on the loose, but instead of a cutting edge early warning system for serial murderer celebratory days, when I turn on the television, I see Cupcake Wars. Yep, you heard me folks; Cupcake Wars! I flipped on the tv and that is all I got. No warnings, no news, no political banter. Just Cupcake Wars.

For those of you who have never seen this ‘amazing’ television show, it goes a little something like this:
The audience is introduced to four sets of pastry chefs from all over the United States. Occasionally, the viewing public is surprised by an interesting import such as a French pastry chef or a Cambodian cupcake cook. Almost always, there is a contestant who is all tattooed up and is running an edgy bakery somewhere in Southern California. Probably pot cupcakes, but I digress.

These blowhards get all worked up competing against each other to create unique cupcake recipes that revolve around various themes, depending on the week. Unfortunately, there is only so much that one can do with a flipping cupcake. These “chefs” usually come off to me as self-indulgent windbags, especially the moron covered with tattoos that thinks that he is bringing something raw to the world of cupcakes. Newsflash dipstick. There is already something raw about cup-caking. It’s called eggs! Give me a break. You are an overrated caterer for children birthday parties and company potlucks. You make miniature cakes for crying out loud. You don’t even make big boy pastries!

The big shots that run network programming need to get a grip. How the hell is a cinnamon ginger jalapeno cupcake going to stop Jason Voorhees? Perhaps he is a sucker for red velvet, but I highly doubt it. The only red that he wants to see is the blood that he squeezes out of your jugular!

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100 thoughts on “Friday the 13th meets Cupcake Wars

  1. Excellent juxtaposition! I’ve had cupcakes on the brain myself lately (I even wrote about it this week: http://wp.me/pY8MO-dP) But cupcakes next to serial killers — I don’t think I would have had any insight.

    I agree about the “edgy” cup cake makers. Maybe those guys need to read some Ecclesiastes (not that I would normally recommend Bible reading to anyone) — there’s nothing new under the sun.

    Crystal
    http://www.crystalspins.com

  2. Thanks for the laughs! This was a brilliant post. Also, I bet if Jason ate a pot cupcake he would be a lot less likely to murder you. Just a thought. Although I’m sure a cinnamon ginger jalapeno cupcake would just make him angrier.

  3. This just made my day. I am a die hard horror movie addict, I went to Japan a few months ago, and I think Cupcake Wars sucks. So, I basically love this, especially the bit about the tattooed mini-cake chefs in Southern CA. Nice writing!

    • I am glad that you enjoyed the post. I must admit that there are a lot less killers and cupcakes here in Japan. The only thing you have to be mindful of is undercooked sushi…actually…

  4. Brother,

    what a ridiculous post… cupcakes are real, edible and tangible things! not to mention, delicious. and you’re out here in blog-land, scaring the hell out of children by going on about some fictional, 1980’s horror-film-has-been. had i not developed next to you in a wet sack of womb-juice, i may have mistaken your flim-flam for fact! i am ashamed to call you brother. please, for the children’s sake, post disclaimers when you tell blatant lies on your blog!

    with love and contention,
    The Bad Twin

    • Dearest Sibling,

      It is with deep regret that I wake up today and see that you have posted a comment on my wall. I guess that Jason missed his deadly mark yet again. You will do well to steer clear of large masked fellows for the next few days. He may realize his mistake.

      Yours

      The Good Twin

  5. I didn’t think it was possible to combine my two loves: cupcakes and horror movies. You, sir, are a genius.

    It’s Friday the 13th? Crap. I can’t believe I left the house this morning.

  6. Whoops! Forgot it was Friday the 13th. Thanks for reminding me. I probably would have gotten killed if you hadn’t reminded me. Oh, and cupcakes, I love cupcakes! I mean, who doesn’t? But a whole T.V. show about making cupcakes…Ummmm…Interesting…

    -Danny

    http://writeos.wordpress.com

  7. I’m sorry I even took the time to read through your post – can’t imagine you create anything as amazing as some of the recipies I come up with for fabulous treats that make people smile …but oh well

    • Robyn

      I’m sorry that you were bothered by the post. It was supposed to bring a smile. Sometimes humor can have collateral damage. I love cupcakes and I am sure that you do brighten folks days with them. Thanks for commenting.
      -Josh

    • Thanks for the comment. I guess that whether or not I’m actually the Good Twin would be a matter of perspective. I’m sure that my brother disagrees.
      -Josh

  8. Great post. Loved it. But as a side note – What is with cupcakes stores anyway? I thought it was a joke the first time I saw one. I can’t remember the last time I thought that I could really go for a good cupcake right now.

    • Thanks for the comment. You know, I never thought about the connotations between good and evil in this post. You have uncovered some interesting insights into the cupcake vs Jason debate my friend.
      -Josh

  9. Very cute! Thanks for the laugh! I am a little upset with Fox news and CNN as well that I was not warned of this dreadfully superstitious date. I’ve schedule a job interview for today! Lord have mercy on my soul…what if it’s with Jason? 😉

  10. I always thought CupCake Wars was such a stupid show. Like, really?! A show all about cupcakes and then they’re going to try make it all hardcore and intense. Pfft, nuuh.
    But anywhoo, your post made me laugh. 😀

  11. Hate to break this to you, Good Twin, but in Asian culture, the 14th is the unlucky day.

    Good luck. And this time, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED! 😀

    Funny stuff with you and the womb mate.

  12. You can’t be too edgy with sprinkles and cupcakes. I’ve never seen a ‘manly’ cupcake. A ‘Voorhees-worthy’ cupcake…though he was a chubby when they pushed him in that lake.

    But it isn’t Vorhees you should be worried about. I’m thinking the chick from The Grudge.

  13. Perhaps a Friday the 13th themed cupcake skirmish? Operation? Preemptive strike? Conflict? Since Congress was not involved in declaring this so-called war, I refuse to call it so. Probably some bleeding heart liberal like me running around slappin’ “No blood for sugar!” bumper stickers on everything he/she sees. Anyway, red velvet seems right up his alley I’d say.

  14. I feel shame as a Friday the 13th fan that I did not realize today was The Day.

    I would have had way more fun killing those camp councelors this afternoon had I but known.

    On top of all that, I did it wearing my Michael Myers mask. You can bet I won’t make the reverse mistake this October 31st.

    I feel like such a damned fool!

  15. Pingback: Friday the 13th meets Cupcake Wars (via The Good Twin) | Just a Surprise

  16. I love cupcakes and they’d stop me in my tracks, but I’m not a blood thirsty axe murder. Hm… Profession change? Nah. ;0)

  17. Great post, this is by far the best story about cupcakes and Friday the 13th, I’ll ever read. (is that a stretch?) I concur, Jason Vorees is a sucker for red velvet, you know because he thinks the red is like blood. Yeah, he’s predictable.

  18. I, like you, failed to notice the date and I had absolutely no excuse. In fact, I spent the better part of my morning instructing a class of fourth graders not to forget to put the date in their journals. And repeatedly said the date! Fail.
    Just saw that you made it to Freshly Pressed. Congrats on that! Fun stuff. *goes to find overdressed cupcake to celebrate Josh’s achievement*

  19. Hilarious! That reminds me, I have a bear claw in the kitchen that I meant to eat. Before I go wandering off though, I also thought the day went strangely unnoted. Even the women in my office that take the tiniest thing and make a 3 hour conversation out of it didn’t make mention. Weird.

  20. I always used to be slightly paranoid about Friday the 13th, I was probably one of the most superstious people on the planet – I still am a bit! Since I’ve grown up, however, I’ve realized that infact, Friday the 13th is one of my lucky days! -It’s the day after that’s the worst.

    Great Blog 🙂
    ..including the part about cupcakes!

    • I’m glad that you liked it and I’m sorry that it kicked you. I will have a chat with my blog. That type of behavior will not be tolerated. Thanks again.
      -Josh

  21. Pingback: Freshly Pressured « The Good Twin

  22. Pingback: Friday the 13th meets Cupcake Wars | Realidad Alternativa

  23. Hahahaha – who knew cupcakes could cause such a ruckus? Geez – I went to the cup cake store (yes, we have about 100) yesterday – the attraction is that you can pick all sorts of “tastes” without buying all sorts of big cakes. Cupcake Wars … I wish that was the most serious situation in the world. GREAT POST! P.S. Scary movies scare me –

  24. Maybe Jason, like every misunderstood murderer, has a soft spot for cupcakes because his mother never loved him and he wishes for those sweet, family times. The cupcake will stop him in his tracks long enough for you to run away… just make sure it’s a big cupcake and not one of those one bite cupcakes or else then you’re dead.

    My Friday the 13th was actually really, really an awful day. I kinda wished I had someone like Jason to just end it now, but somehow I made it through alive… but barely.

  25. Pingback: Friday the 13th meets Cupcake Wars (via The Good Twin) « Reenie Keen is Dead and Gone

  26. I totally agree with you, I was here wondering to myself. “Darn I must be getting really old or something.” The tv channels are no longer swept with the eve of Friday the 13th thrilling movies, besides the day in itself!? Hell NO!!! They just simply forget it. How could the media forget the most gruesomely bloody and notorious date of all time? But I know why? They thought that if it’s not mentioned or celebrated as always, those sadistically crazy and disturbing freaks out there- waiting on the date to mark more vengeance will be deprived of the power and hype, they usually adore so much. Some experts want us to believe that, but upholding the date, keep the good public also alert, I believe.

  27. Interestingly, it is not Friday but Tuesday that is the unlucky day in Spain. Always, fascinating to see that different cultures have so many similar superstitions but often with a slight difference…

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